"Hello! Hello! Welcome. Come in. Have a seat. Put your seat belts on. Are we ready? Yes? Good, good. Shall we begin?
Good day, Ladies and Gentlemen, Lordships and Fair Ladies, Knights and Dragons, Wizards and Witches, Masters and Apprentices and last, but not least, Mages, Monsters and Mundanes.
Now, allow me to introduce myself. I am Captain Laeg'End (read Legend). And I shall instruct you throughout the journey. I shall gladly answer any questions you may have. Now, let me take you through the pre-journey instructions.
On this journey, both food and beverages are provided for your comfort. The food supply is on your right. It is made of corn, dried and baked in thick, sturdy pots - to keep them from jumping away. Do not be alarmed, they will not run away now that they are somewhat calmer. They are filled with air and the Humans (scientific name: Home Sapiens) called them 'popcorns'. Strange creatures, these Humans. Well now, you will see even stranger stuff. But I digress. Now, the way to consume these 'popcorns' is by popping them by the handful into your mouth, labia, beak or any other relevant organs. Perhaps this is why this delicacy is called 'popcorn'.
On your left is a tube like apparatus made of polymer called 'plastic'. This apparatus is called 'straw' but never mind if you cannot recall the name. The important thing is to remember its function. Actually, it should be better named as liquid dispenser. To operate it, insert one end of the 'straw' into the mouth organ. Then SEAL all passages to mouth organ except the passage occupied by the 'straw'. Lower the pressure in the mouth part. Yes, the pressure must be lower than the atmospheric pressure in order to work.
Now, now, Mr. Stork. Please, keep to your seat. Yes, yes, I know, beaks are for carrying bundles of babies and not for 'straws'. And yes, Mr. Big Bad Wolf, you'll do better by lapping it with your tongue. But we're visiting the Human world, so we must do whatever the Humans do.
Oh dear! Oh dear! Mr. Dwarf, please, stop floating around the ceiling. I assure, your seat is more comfortable. Oh my! Oh my! You can't help it now. Yes, yes, it's not your fault. It's the liquid? Oh, I'm truly sorry, Mr. Dwarf. I forgot to warn you that the liquid is filled with air. Well, frankly, I am not sure why water must be drunk with air. But this is a Human drink, you see? You must ask the Humans. It's called 'soda' or to the more learned masters, 'carbonated beverages'. Strange people, these Humans; they drink air and eat air. There now Mr. Dwarf, no use being grumpy about it. Now you know why we insisted on the seat belts - another Human creation. Well, now you can go into Mythology as the first dwarf that flies. Now, isn't that nice?
Well, well, here we are. This is the Human world called 'Earth'. Ah! Ah! Mr. Dragon, what's the matter? No, no, don't cry, please, you're quite flooding the room. I'm so sorry, but there're no more dragons here on Earth. Yes, yes, those large metal and concrete contraptions spouting smoke are Human inventions. Most unfortunate indeed. It smoked the dragons out of business. There, there, I'm sure you're still useful. I'm certain Sir Knight here would most heartily agree with me. A knight needs a proper dragon to fight with. Oh dear! Here, Sir Knight will tell you how important real dragons are. I must see to Mr. Carpet at once!
Mr. Carpet! Please, stop folding yourself so. There now, you'll get a permanent crease in the middle if you do that. Well, those noisy metal birds do carry people inside. It's the latest mode of transport, I heard. Well, I don't know what happened to the other carpets on Earth. Oh dear! Oh dear! How tragic! Fated to life on the floors, crushed under furniture, beaten even when they're not being naughty and only good for people to sweep dust underneath. No, I'm afraid they won't fly any more. Oh! What a tragedy! I agree with you. These Humans simply do not know how to appreciate the view from a flying carpet, the rush of the wind in your face! Not to mention the Carpets' Guild has a perfect safety record. They never crash, easier to maneuver and wonderful sidekick to princes and thieves on 'Princess Rescuing' and 'Fighting Evil Wizard' missions. Why, if Mr. Al' Addin himself was here, he would tell you himself that there's no better way to win princesses' hearts than a ride on a Carpet!
Here we are. This is our first stop, The Departmental Store. Feel free to wander around.
Two knights in shinning armour admire a box of moving pictures and sounds. Both gesture excitedly and called out to the Captain.
What? Oh yes, those are castles and palaces where kings, princes, dukes, barons and ministers live. Sir Gawain? Sir Lancelot? Nurse! Nurse! The two gallant knights have fainted!
A loud 'bang!' and smoke fills the air.
Ah... Madam Witch, please return the Sales-lady to herself. Yes, I know she was most insolent but I doubt she'd enjoy being a frog. Besides, it is most bothersome because there aren't enough princes who are willing to kiss enchanted frogs. Yes, she was extremely inconsiderate when she offered to get rid off the wart on your nose! Rude beyond excuse! Yes, you do have the most beautiful wart and it grows just so and at such precise angle. No, I don't agree you leave her thus. Yes, I understand but you have to leave everything the way you find it. Yes, EXACTLY the way you find it. So you just have to change her back, right? Agreed? Good. Thank you. Excuse me, I must see to the knights.
Sir Gawain, please do not shout. Yes, I can hear you perfectly. Yes I know, it's disgraceful. No moats or walls and no keep and watch tower. Why like Sir Lancelot said, you can walk in and do murder. And no decent calvary to give chase. Well now, these humans don't do warfare the way we do now. Oh, if you must know, they fight from exactly where they are. They just send these giant mushroom seeds. Yes, I said "mushroom seeds". Please, do not laugh Sir Gawain, Sir Lancelot. This is the truth. I saw it once only. Why the seed was bigger than a barn house. When it landed, a big mushroom grew and devoured everything in its path. Why that greedy mushroom ate and ate so much that it (the mushroom) burst into smoke.
Ah, Mr. Wizard, you're choking. There, let me pat your back. Ah, is that better? Good. Whatever I tell you. It is the truth. I swear it! Yes, I guess you're right. That mushroom can only be done by the most powerful and foolish wizard. Indeed, we must avoid him at all cost.
Mr. Wizard mutters something about the idiocy of certain unnamed wizards who don't know the efficiency of Monsters compared to Mushrooms!
Come everyone. We have more sights to see.
These colourful metal boxes are horse carriages. Where are the horses? Well, they're all inside the carriage. Five hundred horses in each one, I heard. Well, we know the Humans are not too bright. They find such tiny horses to pull their carriages and, even worse, they put their horses inside the carriages with them.
Loud noises of unidentifiable sources.
Bang! BANG! BANG! CRASH! BOOM! BOOM! WHINE! WHINE EE AOOOOUUUU!!
AIEE! SORCERER, TAKE US HOME!!
Ah, ah, my ears! Is everyone all right?
TWANG! TWANG! TWANG!
Master Bard! Please, I beg you. Stop for a moment if you please. Thank you. Heavy rocks? Heavy metals? Why, of course rocks and metals are heavy. Music, you say? Oh, my! No wonder they make such a racket!
Well, well, the wonders never cease. Oh, well, there you are, the official tour to Reality. Please join us again. Farewell."
COHLINN 30 December 1995
-Ohmlette Express, NTU Hall 4 Quarterly Newsletter-
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